Dear Laptop

Irritation: Being unable to move my laptop from its present location.

Dell laptop, you slay me.

Since I graduated high school I have had the same silver Dell Inspiron laptop. Larger than a breadbox, this hunk of plastic and metal has been lugged from school to school, coffeeshop to coffeeshop, and is now presently resting underneath a giant hammer I am prepared to swing. For serious, laptop, how many times have we been through this? From your inability to ward off viruses to your constant need to destroy laptop chargers and make me replace them, I have waited on you hand and foot (and repairman, and man in India, and Axicom workman). You have been wiped four times, been through six adaptors, three batteries, and a whole can of screen cleaner. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!! And now here you are, unable to hold a charge unless I jimmy-rig your adaptor and force it down with a heavy ceramic plate and avoid breathing on you. I can't move you, can hardly touch you, and am afraid to cross my legs in fear that you might spontaneously turn off if I brush the table too hard. Why, laptop? Why me? Why now?

Your slave,

Harper